Babysitters Club

All I really needed to know I learned from babysitting. I’m not a total asshole this was post kindergarten so these were bonus lessons, calm down. Math is still an issue but we all have calculators on our phone, so I get by. I’m the middle child between 2 boys. My older brother was very popular, girls wanted to babysit for access to him. The entire point of popularity meant he wasn’t home hence the need for myself and my baby brother to have the sitter. I picked up on this and used it to my advantage by offering a quick a tour of his bedroom and occasionally a sneak peek into his nightstand drawer. My brother being cool had the entire attic that had been transformed into a bedroom by the previous owners. I was of course livid as there was an argument to be had the only girl should have it. Lesson 1, monetize off them for a small cut of their hourly wage or a “favor”. Tiny Soprano over here was asking them for their hand me down “cool” clothes & school uniforms , future car rides to school etc.

Went out of my way to show you worst photo of my older brother because that’s my job.

Lesson 2 is twofold and learned in the basement of our house. Growing up our basement was the family/kids room. In the Midwest you have basements because Tornado’s. I am still always reminiscent for them. Ours was very cool with a swirl shag carpet. Her name was Lori, gap teeth, Patagonia and “cool”, she seemed to want the job and actually did the things my mom asked her too. I didn’t feel like we would die under her watch. She also talked to me like we were friends. She introduced me to 120 Minutes on MTV, and birth control. She reached into her backpack one night and casually popped one out of that packet, I thought they were mints, she gave me a friendly talk. My mind was blown on so many levels that evening but mostly Morrissey. The lesson here at 11 was music was something major for me. She was the first person I would sit with comfortably, not talk to and just let the music take me some place. Of course the pill would be important later, but I knew if Lori approved it was a good thing.

These graphics ….are the same as I am delivering to you TODAY.

By eighth grade I had advanced to babysitter status. I was sought after because my mom worked with kids, is/was a baker that could be a pastry chef and basically Mrs. Cleaver thus making me the same in a hiring capacity for the neighbor hood. Lesson 3 Nepotism, not that I knew what that was. I was indeed a good babysitter, made sure everything was done and early. Allowing for time to take a little spin through the master closets and cosmetics drawers. I didn’t take anything, but did I try on, spray on, smear on my face, yes. Eat them from house and home, also yes. Use the phone with wild uninterrupted abandon , correct. Lesson 4, enjoyment of the finer things in life.

I still consider these the finer things in life…..

Lesson 5, I don’t have an exact title for, dads did the drive home, always. I never had anything awful happen more than feeling an awkward awareness. Mostly it was their bizarre nervous banter. It was weird to see them out of place, they were my dentist, eye doctor, my neighbor up the road, work people my parents knew, but they were a little buzzed and seemed uncomfortable out of their setting. That ride home could not end fast enough. I would usually say “I will let my mom and dad know you say hello” I guess my first glance at something that would show up for the rest of my life . At 13 I knew there was something there that Lori would have known, she rode her bike. Thanks Lori wherever you are.